Jimmy Two Birds
Over Nevada Skies
Slicing through the clear blue skies over Nevada, the Jet Blue plane hits a pocket of turbulence and jostles Ocho from his pleasant slumber. As he opens his eyes he spots JTB rising from his seat in first class. Not fully awake Ocho does not notice the alarming gleam in JTB’s eyes and is shocked into consciousness as JTB announces to the passengers and crew his intentions:
“Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jimmy Two Birds and I am going to take over and land this plane. Do not be alarmed, while I have not done so in over 40 years, I did take a few lessons in a Cessna. Landing a 727 can’t be that hard.”
Alarmed as Ocho was, he could not rise from his seat to try and stop JTB from this seemingly futile attempt by JTB to recapture his youth. JTB proceeded to walk to the cockpit, politely taking the head stewardess by the hand so she could open the door. Initially stunned by this turn of events, the rest of the patrons of this now exciting plane ride, remained surprisingly calm. A couple of the more lubricated individuals were actually cheering JTB on. Soon the cry of, “Jimmy Two Birds…fly the plane….Jimmy Two Birds….fly the plane.”, resounded up and down the aisles.
The pilot and co-pilot were certainly surprised when this portly gentleman dressed like The Great Pumpkin in his bright orange Obama in 2012 tee shirt, came barging into the cockpit and asked them to vacate the area. Before they could respond in any manner, JTB, after years of perfecting his technique while attending countless Star Trek conventions, grabbed them both in a Vulcan neck pinch rendering them unconscious. After dragging the crew members out of the way, JTB assumed the true pilot position by taking the left hand seat and donning the communication headset.
“Vegas control tower, Vegas control tower”, spoke JTB, “Please be advised that Jimmy Two Birds is now flying this plane. Everything is under control. Now, what runway you want I should use to grease this landing?”
While awaiting a reply from the astounded flight control personnel, JTB made a slight course correction and announced to the crowd, “I’ve been thinking. Any pilot can land a plane with the landing gear down….hmmm. Okay, I want a voice vote….do we use the landing gear?” Ocho, not believing any of this was happening was further astounded when the passengers cried out in one voice, “NO LANDING GEAR!!!”.
“Vegas control, please be advised that we will be executing a belly flop landing so you might wanna alert the media and maybe have a fire truck or two on hand, just for show of course.”
“Jimmy Two Birds, this is Vegas control. Are you out of your freaking mind? We cannot allow you to approach this airport under those conditions. Accordingly we have asked the Air Force to scramble a couple of F-15s to escort you to a secret military base just outside of Kingman, AZ.”
“No can do Vegas control. I am a man on a mission…gotta land this plane at McCarron on her belly. So you tell the Air Force to back off or desperate measures will be taken.”
Meanwhile in the passenger area, a big party was breaking out. The flight attendants opened the bar so to speak, so caucasians (White Russians), Bloody Mary’s and Jack Daniels on the rocks were much in attendance. Ocho, trying to be a part of the festivities while fretting for his friend, volunteered his DVD of The Big Lebowski which was soon playing as the in-flight movie. Another passenger, ignoring the no smoking policy, lit up a doobie that was somehow missed by the TSA at check-in. There was also an unusual amount of traffic to and from the restrooms as becoming a member of The Mile High Club was pursued in earnest by a few of the more adventurous souls on the plane.
In the cockpit, JTB was having the time of his life. Flying a jumbo like he was born to it. Making long loping turns, he brought the plane back on the correct heading for McCarron. As he was about to call the tower, two F-15’s materialized out of nowhere and were stationed off either wing. The command pilot radioed JTB, “Prepare to follow us or we will be forced to take you out.”
“Sorry old chaps”, JTB replied, “I’m Jimmy Two Birds and I’m belly flopping this baby at McCarron. It is my destiny. If you try to stop me I will be forced to take desperate measures.”
“I don’t know how you think you can out do an F-15”, answered the commander as he fired his 50 caliber machine gun across the nose of the 727.
“Okay campers”, announced JTB to passengers and crew, “ I need another voice vote. Do I follow these nice Air Force people or do I evade them with my superior flying skills?”
“EVADE, JIMMY TWO BIRDS, EVADE!!!”, cried the frenzied crowd, “ You are our captain. We go where you lead.”
“All righty then. Buckle up tight. Evasive tactics and desperate measures coming up.”
Jimmy Two Birds then proceeded to execute multiple barrel rolls, loop de loops and steep climbs as he maneuvered the jumbo jet through a hail of gunfire from the F-15s. Sensing that the Air Force was getting a little ticked off and embarrassed by this amateur at the controls of a commercial jet, Jimmy Two Birds took the last step in his desperate measures before he could be lit up by a Sidewinder.
“How many of you, my fellow travelers, have ever wondered what it would be like to swim in the Bellagio Fountain?”, asked JTB. “ Well that’s where we’re headed. I got a Sidewinder on my tail and I don’t have time to get us to McCarron for our belly flop, so we’re gonna belly flop in the fountain. Oh look, it is time for the fountain display. That makes it an even nicer target.”
“BELLAGIO, BELLAGIO!!!”, screamed the passengers and crew, “TAKE US TO THE FOUNTAIN.”
So Jimmy Two Birds maneuvered to avoid being hit by the Sidewinder and headed for a thrilling splash down as the Bellagio Fountain put on it’s breathtaking show. The 747 dove for the fountain as the Sidewinder passed overhead and continued on down Las Vegas Blvd. The Stratosphere Casino and Hotel used to be the tallest building on the strip but the errant missile took out the observation deck scattering debris everywhere. Meanwhile, the 747 landed in the fountain.
Ocho was awakened by a burst of turbulence somewhere over Nevada. As he opened his eyes, Jimmy Two Birds looked over and said, “ You must have had some dream there Ocho. You were moaning and at one point I heard you say, ‘JTB you arrogant ass, you killed us.’ What was that all about?”
“I’m not sure.”, replied Ocho. “I think you did something really stupid. Hey where you going?”
“Up to the cockpit.”, answered Jimmy Two Birds, “ I wanna see if they’ll let me land this thing.”