Making the Hoovers Great Again
Myrtle Beach 2016
THE MOSTLY DEBAUCHED
Our story begins in a smoked filled, custom built Boeing 787 Dreamliner. The smoke being generated by four elegantly dressed gentlemen, puffing away between bouts of oratory, on expensive Cuban cigars. In the background, playing on the 72 inch screen is the movie Centurion, a tale about a massacred Roman Legion north of Hadrian’s Wall; next up is The Eagle of the Ninth, a tale about recovering the Eagle lost in The Centurion. Yes, dear readers, our intrepid travelers have just returned from a month steeped in Roman history as they tramped all through Southern France and down all the way to the boot heel of Italy. Tramped is a relative term as their notion of trekking involves state of the art Land Rovers driven by professionals who also double as bar tenders and cooks. The magnificent tents, gifts from a prince in Saudi Arabia, that they call home for the trip rival 5 star rooms anywhere. Who are these pampered, over-indulgent, seekers of knowledge and a permanent drunk? Let me introduce the members of the sports management team of Dewey, Cheetum and Howe.
- Rocco Ian MacDougal – age 51 born in Dover, DE of an Italian mother and Scottish father. This mixed heritage explains his drinking preferences of Sangria in the morning and Chivas Regal after noon. Took part in many black-ops as an Army Ranger, none of which can he talk about but he has let it slip that one had something to do with Saddam Hussein. One of the top agents employed by the Sports Management Agency of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, he is now a full partner, albeit without his name on the marquee.
- Samuel Dewey – age 66 born in Ogallala, NE. Graduated from Renssalaer Polytechnic Institute in 1970. His friends call him CR from his earlier career as a corporate raider. Indeed, the founding of DC&H was as a result of a corporate takeover. His business acumen is so sharp that he has been married and divorced three times and has never had to pay a settlement or alimony despite being one of the 50 wealthiest Americans.. He drinks Stoli Elit before, during and after breakfast and switches to Southern Comfort at lunch.
- Vincent Cheatum – 64 born in Piney Green, NC, a little fart of a town just outside of the largest Marine Corps base on the East coast, Camp Lejeune, where his father settled after retiring from The Marines as a highly decorated Master Sgt. After a brief stint as a roadie for The Grateful Dead, Vinny followed his dad’s footsteps and also retired from the Marines as a Gunnery Sergeant, hence his nickname of Gunny. His beverages of choice are Schlitz and Jack Daniels.
- Clyde Howe – 75 born in Altoona, PA. He is a distant relative of Lord Richard Howe, the British commander during part of The Revolutionary War. Graduated from The Naval Academy in Annapolis in 1959 and had a minor role in The Bay of Pigs Invasion. Also, it was his ship that was fired upon by a North Vietnamese patrol boat in the Gulf of Tonkin. The Ancient Mariner, as he is known by, retired as a Rear Admiral. Has always expressed great admiration for the movie, The Big Lebowski so he drinks White Russians day and night. The exception to this is when he brings out a 29 year old Cragganmore single malt Scotch that he sips while smoking Cuban cigars.
“It was Alesia, damnit”, yelled Clyde, his hands shaking so much that his scotch sloshed over the sides, “Alesia was Caesar’s greatest victory, bar none. The engineering alone ranks that battle higher than any other.”
“I respectfully disagree. Clearly Caesar’s finest hour was defeating Magnus at Pharsalus.” replied Rocco. “Engineering!”, Rocco snarled, pointing his cigar at Clyde, “That was against a bunch of tribal pussies. Pharsalus was against Romans.” “Besides,” he continued after exhaling a series of smoke rings, “being a direct descendant of Mark Antony I think qualifies me as an expert on the subject.”
“Oh for the love of Mithras. I’ll have you know, you scion of a traitor..” Clyde paused for a moment to belch and to regain his train of thought.
Vinny popped open a can of Schlitz with one hand while crushing an empty with the other one. “I sincerely hope that you two will cease and desist this ongoing, never ending, pointless discussion. I’m trying to watch the movie. That painted Pict lady is kinda hot.”
Sam staggered against the lounge chair he was trying to sit in resulting in a wave of Stoli crashing upon the front of his Armani slacks. “Damn turbulence. I’m gonna have a talk with the pilot, bastard probably did that on purpose.”, Sam said while holding his vodka violated pant leg out away from his body. “There was no turbulence, excepting of the drunken walk variety.”, responded Rocco with a big grin.
“Who the hell asked for your opinion?”, Sam yelled, “in fact, why the hell did we make you a partner? You lost our best client by letting Ocho retire; by the way are we still making money off of his endorsements?”
Rocco scratched his head, and looked around wondering if he could find someplace to hide but even a 787 Dreamliner is limited in that respect. “Well, Rocco, I asked you a simple question. A simple yes or no would be a good place to start.”, said Sam as he stripped off his sodden pants to reveal a pair of boxers sporting the cast from The Big Bang Theory.
Marjorie Detwiler has been employed for these last 10 years by Dewey, Cheetum and Howe, as Director of Excursions and Executive Flight Attendant. At five feet, 11 inches tall, Marjorie stood taller than all of the partners. She received a Masters in Sports Management & Entertainment from Harvard while playing shooting guard on the women’s NCAA basketball team and was an Honorable Mention All American. Little in her college experience, however, prepared her for employment with this group of semi-hedonistic, inebriation record setting, globe trotting golf and adventure seekers. A perfect example was now playing itself out as Marjorie entered the lounge with her clipboard to brief her boys on their itinerary for the next week. Seeing Sam standing in his underwear caught her attention right away but it wasn’t the pictures of Sheldon and Penny that drew her eyes. No, this wasn’t the first time she had been witness to various states of undress; not the first time the veneer of professionalism that she strove to maintain no matter what the circumstance had cracked as she unsuccessfully stifled a chuckle. Peeking out of the front of the Big Bang boxers was one-eyed Sammy.
“What’s everyone staring at?”, asked Vinny as he followed the stares of his companions, “Oh my! Donkey man is showing off again, I see.” “Is nothing sacred with you people?”, said Sam as he reached down and cradled one-eyed Sammy in his hands, “This piece of artistry in the flesh is of Biblical proportion and is so mentioned in Ezekiel 20:23, and I paraphrase for the squeamish, ‘and the women lusted after men hung like donkeys and whose emissions are as from a horse.’ So be a little more respectful, if you please.” Sam then put one-eyed Sammy back behind Penny and Sheldon. He looked at Rocco and thought that there was something he was going to say to Rocco but damned if he could remember what it was. “I’m gonna get some fresh pants if anyone wants to come watch.”, Sam said and headed off to his suite.
We are one week away from our annual visit to the hub of The Confederacy, although now instead of rice, indigo and cotton plantations tended by unwilling participants in that pristine agrarian society, there are acres of landscape modified into the curse word inducing, club flinging geographic phenomena of golf courses. As has been typical of year’s past, the closer to departure we get, the more verbose we become; our excitement building to a symphonic crescendo. This stoking of our desire to golf again is what sustains us through the long dreary months we are held captive by the gods of seasonal atmospheric conditions, El Nino and climate change. The unhappy irony of this pent up, ever building crescendo is that by the third hole of the first day that crescendo becomes a white foamed wave, crashing furiously against the rocks of reality. Thus I have come upon the idea to do dramatic readings from my novel in progress, Clash of Empires, thereby restoring the morale of my aging, battered friends; restoring a calmness to their tortured souls. I was expecting heaps of excited anticipatory responses from my fellow travelers but instead was met with a torpid, ‘yeah, okay’, type of reply. Except from Rick; he was so captivated by the idea that he suggests we dress in costume and play out the scenes. Rick has recently retired from active employment and I am concerned for the health of his mind.
“Hello again. This is Jim Nantz once again bringing to you live, the antics and the undeniably bad golf that is their stock in trade, The Hoovers in Myrtle Beach. With me once more is my good friend and colleague, Sir Nick Faldo. I must say you’re looking pretty dapper for a man who just a few hours ago was stuffing one dollar bills anywhere he could at a local Gentlemen’s Club.”
“Always a pleasure, Jim. I guess those kids just make me feel young again. But more to the point, what in the realm of Aphrodite’s tits are we doing broadcasting these buffoons?”
“In the contract old buddy. Seems we were bought out by that sports management group, Dewey, Cheetum and Howe and they want to promote Ocho, so here we are.”
“Well I have news for you old chum, they are on the way here, or so I’m told. Flying into Myrtle on that damned Dreamliner they own. Coming in from Amsterdam of all places. Probably hanging out at one of those cafes smoking who knows what and making asses of themselves.”
Ocho awoke after a restful night on his lavishly appointed couch in the posh Hoover mansion, Chez Rick’s. Ocho has by tradition provided the coffee for this week of golf and giggles and this year has brought two very good beans from Thanksgiving Coffee; a Kona Blend(cuz I can’t afford the real thing) and a nice Guatemalan. Soon the sound of the grinder turning the beans of the gods into a brew-able consistency echoes off the walls of the condo kitchen. A moment later the process of creating the elixir of salvation is made manifest by the aroma, an aroma that announces that the new day has begun and it is fucking glorious.
As a cost saving ploy and a chance to further enhance our male bonding experience, we are cooking dinners in for a few nights. Ocho not only contributes to the workings of the intestinal regions with the morning infusion of the elixir of salvation, he is doubling his efforts for this evening’s meal. Ocho is making chili; not too hot, just enough btu action to make you feel glad to be alive and feasting on this culinary miracle. With Jimmy Two Birds working that Ronco Slice and Dice on an onion, Joey demonstrating his can opening expertise and Ocho putting it all together, how could it be anything other than a gourmet’s delight. Every breath is soon punctuated with the smell of onion, garlic, beans, beef, etc coupled with the fading but still discernible aroma of Guatemalan.
Nantz: We are well into the second round and as usual there isn’t a whole lot of good to report on from these aging club flingers.
Faldo: I agree, although there have been flashes of, I was gonna say brilliance but that would be a bit over the top. Let’s just call it sucking less than usual, such as The Rick paring all three holes at Amen Corner, not an easy task as I can well attest, being a winner there a few times. Did I ever tell you, mate, about the tiff I had with my caddie over club choice at the par 3? Well..
Nantz: Sorry Nick old pal, no time for your glory days routine. There’s nobody listening anyway. Those dozy bastards who consigned us to this broadcasting nightmare probably don’t even remember that we’re doing this. It’s a wonder they can function at a level higher than one of them three toed sloths. You know what I heard? That they all have agreed to donate their internal organs to science. Mayo Clinic is desperate to find out why their livers lasted longer than some non-alcohol preserved specimens.
Faldo: Uh, Jim? Clyde Howe is on line one.
THE MOSTLY DEBAUCHED
Clyde: Faldo? You over rated hack, I wanna talk to that pompous bag of methane, Nantz.
Sam: You tell him that I’m gonna donate his balls to my taxidermist and have them mounted on my den wall.
Clyde: Nantz? Don’t talk, just listen. We own you now, pal, so you better get used to a new tradition like no other. We’re flying in to Wilmington, NC to play at this place called Farmstead. We will be listening to your riveting broadcast; a little less full of yourself and a little more entertaining would be appreciated.
Vinny: Another thing, we need some eye candy. Nantz might still be pretty but Faldo’s late night exploits don’t exactly enhance his beauty.
Rocco: This is perfect. We represent a nubile young lady who is a, she’s a, well she’s an entertainer at one of Myrtle Beach’s finer clubs. Her name is Melody Storm. Get her to do on the course interviews and stuff.
Vinny: Oh yeah, she’s hot.
Clyde: You got that, Nantz? Melody Storm showing her stuff. See you later.
or perhaps, more appropriately,
Another round completed at a very nice, new venue for us, The Grande Dunes. Beautiful holes running parallel to the Intracoastal Waterway, greens that begged to be putted upon, ponds that demanded sacrifice and according to an informed staff member, water moccasins slithering in the shoreline greenery seeking unwary golfers to slay. Indeed, a round that will long be cherished for many reasons; each Hoover with his own memories of spectacular holes while ushering the not so spectacular to the darkest recesses of their collective minds. Joey with his record shattering 97, Rick with his back to back pars on 8 & 9, Ocho with his blistering par,par,par,birdie,par and Jimmy with his good fortune to be in the same cart with Ocho during those blistering holes. Ironic when you think on it. Jimmy was the most effusive in praise of Grande Dunes and yet he played the worst of the four of us. Just goes to show that inside the Hoovers beats the hearts of poets.
The setting sun was a display of grandeur and a perfect backdrop to the network interview area set up just off the 18th green. Melody Storm dressed in a form fitting blue dress and oh what a form that was filling it. Spaghetti straps on the shoulders held up what little material there was that formed the low cut cleavage revealing bodice. Arising from the bottom of her right calf is a tattoo of an elegant climbing morning glory vine that enchantingly disappears mid-thigh under the dress. Carrying a microphone and a clipboard she walks over to Ocho and Rick. Joey alights from his cart like he was shot out of a cannon to join in on the interview. Just as Melody gets into position she drops the clipboard. Both Melody and Joey bend down to retrieve the item and Joey is met with an eyeful of cleavage. Melody takes the clipboard from a mesmerized Joey and winks at him turning him into a glazed over statue, unable to move as the sun reflects off the beaded sweat on the top of his head. On the other side of the green, Jimmy was still sitting in the cart when Melody bent down for the clipboard. His view, when he was able to regain focus after the initial shock, was of the morning glory vine as it reached her well made gluteal region. His first thought was the realization he really liked peaches; his second thought was that he could not get out of the cart until a certain condition abated.
Nantz: “I can’t remember the last time I was so enmeshed in the beauty and drama of a well played golf match. Not Tiger Woods, Rory McIlroy or even Sir Nick Faldo has ever brought to the golfing public a display of excellence such as the likes of The Hoovers have brought to us today.”
Faldo:”Bollocks! What have you been smoking? We’ve been on the air for 4 1/2 hours and have seen maybe half a dozen decent shots from these club wielding buffoons.”
Nantz: quickly put his hand over Faldo’s mike, “What the hell is wrong with you? Our new bosses are listening. You better pucker up and start doing the arse kiss routine or we’re toast.”
Faldo: “Shite, I forgot.” He reaches down under the desk and pulls up a bottle of Johnny Walker Black and takes a three gulp drink. “Okay, I’m ready to pucker.”
Nantz: slowly takes his hand from Nick’s mike, “Aw now Nick, let’s not be jealous. This is their time, yours has sadly passed you by. Time for a brief word from our new sponsor, Hoover Eats, the last word in fine beef stews and chili and then we’ll take you down to the course for some in depth interviews with our latest staff addition, Melody Storm.
Faldo: “That’s right, Jim. Hoover Eats is perfect for that post-round meal. The chili is out of this world and let me tell you, I just had a bowl before going on the air and it tastes just as good the second time(he belches and smiles). The beef stew has been rated highest among those who think Dinty Moore comes straight from God. So stock up now; Hoover Eats – it keeps you moving.”
Nantz: “Now we are going down to Melody as she chats with Ocho and The Rick. Welcome to the crew, Melody.”
Faldo: mutters just loud enough for it to go over the air, “So that’s what she looks like with clothes on.”
THE MOSTLY DEBAUCHED
Farmstead Golf Course has the distinction of being geographically situated in both North and South Carolina. This little fact is causing no little consternation to the partners. It is illegal to drink on the golf course in North Carolina and 85% of the course is in North Carolina. “Not having alcohol on even one hole is a travesty of justice,” yelled Sam, “and I’m sure is a violation of my god-given, constitutionally mandated rights.” Marjorie didn’t bat an eye or move an inch, she just said, “Clyde!” and turned to exit the plane thinking how glorious the next few hours would be while her boys were wreaking havoc elsewhere.
Clyde looked at Vinny and asked, “How many North Carolina legislators do we own?” Vinny scratched his head, crushed a Schlitz can and replied, “Four but there’s a fifth who is just awaiting our final offer.” “Okay, call the fifth and get him or her on board and then conference in the other four. I want an exemption in that ill-formed piece of legislature or our friends the congresspeople will, and I quote Walter Sobchak, ‘be entering a world of pain.’ Is that clear, Vinny?” “Couldn’t have said it any better, Clyde, my wise old friend,” answered Vinny, the swish of a can of Schlitz being opened punctuating the moment.
“Hey Sam,” said Clyde, following Sam over to the bar for a quick one before their first drink during the limo ride to the golf course, “You’ve been a little too rough on Marjorie, hell we all take advantage of her from time to time. Damn, but she’s a treasure and it is time we showed her our appreciation. It’s time to implement our plan to buy out Expedia and a couple other travel outfits and start our own mega travel guide service. Marjorie will run it as President of Travel Hedonists, Inc.”
Despite the fact that Clyde and the rest expected Ocho to be the primary focus of the broadcast interviews and despite the fact that this was indeed a ploy by Clyde and the rest to entice Ocho out of retirement, the interview was still slanted towards The Rick as Clyde and the rest forgot about the inexplicable attraction between women and The Rick. Ocho was only able to answer one question regarding his return to action. At that point, Melody, aimed the mike at The Rick and proceeded to bombard him with inane questions about his favorite color, his favorite bands and whether he thought Donald Trump was evil. However, it was not the interview questions that mattered or even, the answers. This was two people becoming enraptured with each other. Melody could only imagine running her fingers through that magnificent, never been treated for baldness, head of hair and The Rick, when he wasn’t glancing at cleavage, was captured by her green eyes and the way a strand of her brunette hair fluttered against her forehead.
After the interview, Melody tapped The Rick on the shoulder and said, “I can’t tell you what a pleasure it is to finally meet you. I am taking classes at Francis Marion Junior College. I hope to get a degree in Business or Broadcast Journalism. I read all about you and your rise to the top of the business world in our textbook. It was a chapter entitled, ‘The Profitability of Ruthless Capitalism’. I was wondering if you would like to come see me perform. I work at The Purring Kitten, one of the area’s finest dance studios. After we could maybe talk. I would so dearly love to talk to you about your experiences. I have so much to learn and this would be so much more informative than a dry, impersonal textbook.”
Hoover Bob returned to the group after a couple days visiting a friend. He walked over to the table where Jimmy, Joey and Ocho were having a post round libation. Besides, they had nowhere to go until The Rick said where and when. “Who is that fawning all over the boss?”, asked Bob. Without taking his eyes off of Melody, Joey told Bob who she was. Jimmy could only manage a sigh and Ocho just rolled his eyes. “Do you think we should remove her?”, asked Bob, with an eager look on his face and already moving toward her, “She seems to be keeping the Chief from joining us.” At that point Ocho got up and pulled Bob back, “Umm, I don’t think the Chief wants to be rescued.”
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, The Hoovers have all been sainted and shall henceforth, on St Patrick’s Day, be known as: St. Joey of the Fairway…St. Bob of the Pits (a NASCAR term) …St. Jimmy the Pontificator… St. Richard the Hoover Hearted… and St. Paul the Flatulent.
Nantz: “St. Patrick’s Day and our intrepid band of Hoovers are all decked out in various shades of green as they prepare to play the Nicklaus designed Long Bay Club.”
Faldo: “About the only thing missing is maybe a keg of stout and a fifth or two of Jameson’s. Hell, I’d join them if they were so encumbered. Fortunately I have my own supply of green beer on hand. Did you hear the names they are going by today?
Nantz: “Some colorful ones indeed. Well that’s interesting. They were all gathered together on the 1st tee waiting for the group in front of them to get out of their way when of a sudden they all broke away from each other.”
Faldo: “Ten to one it was St. Paul the flatulent.”
Nantz: “And that is the perfect lead-in to a word from our sponsor Hoover Eats and their two new exciting entrees, Meatballs ala Jimmy and Rick O’Lobsitz’ Corned Beef and Cabbage. With that is our newest colleague, Melody Storm.
Melody: “If you’re looking for a wholesome, nutritious, gluten free, antibiotic free, organically grown meal with 0% transfat, then you better look elsewhere. Hoover Eats specializes in meals made the old fashioned way…with taste being the primary focus. And I can state unequivocally that the new entrees, as well as the chili and beef stew, are stick to the ribs good. Hoover Eats – it keeps you moving.”
THE MOSTLY DEBAUCHED
It was a sunny, 75 degree day as the partners rolled onto the first tee at Farmstead. They were all wearing cargo shorts as the deep pockets could hold half a dozen various alcoholic nips or in Vinny’s case, a couple cans of Schlitz. Since they spend a lot of time outdoors they were much more tanned than anyone else on the course but that didn’t stop Sam from applying a spray on tan which gave him an orange hue. Clyde took one look at him and said, “Good grief, Sam, you look as ridiculous as that madman Trump.” “Oh piss off, Clyde,” replied Sam, “and don’t you ever compare me to that bozo. Calls himself a successful businessman; hell if we were as successful, we’d be out of business.”
The four of them then performed their own special pre-round ritual of pouring a libation on the tee box ground to the golf god, Hackus. “Excuse me, gentlemen,” interrupted a stern looking golf course official, “but alcohol is not permitted on the North Carolina portion of the course.” Vinny walked over to the course official, “Here, hold my beer while I make a phone call.” Taking his phone out of the pocket of his Jerry Garcia emblazoned golf shirt, Vinny hit one number and a video chat session was opened, “Good morning Pat. Would you please explain to this nice man about our special exemption? Thanks and have a nice day.” The course official took the phone and saw the face of Pat McCrory the governor of North Carolina. “Who am I speaking to?” asked McCrory. “I uh, uh.” stammered the course official, “Spackler, sir. Charles Spackler.” “Well, Spackler, I expect you and your staff to extend every courtesy to these fine gentlemen. If they wanna drink on your course, they can bloody well drink on your course. You got that? Good! Now, I don’t want to be bothered again about this. I’m a busy man. There’s an Andy of Mayberry marathon on TV right now and you’re making me miss it.”, replied McCrory as he ended the call. Spackler handed the phone back to Vinny but as he started to hand back the Schlitz he was holding, Vinny chuckled and said, “May as well drink that one, Spackler. I don’t think Pat will mind and besides, I already have another.”
The home cooked meal has been devoured, the dishwasher has been loaded,and a load of unmentionables is tumbling in the washing machine. Now is the time for these feisty, energetic seekers of excitement to choose tonight’s entertainment. Not constrained by the strictures of home life, wives, children and grand children, it is time to cut loose. Rick reaches into a canvas bag that he’s been guarding against any intrusion in order to surprise us, “Are you guys ready to have some wicked good fun?”, he asks with a smirk that is at once both mischievous and mysterious, giving the impression that something naughty awaits. Well, naughty it wasn’t, though there were some mentions of various parts of human anatomy that could be construed, in some circumstances. as being naughty. No, the wicked good fun was a game called Cards Against Humanity; a party game in which players complete fill-in-the-blank statements using mature-content phrases printed on playing cards. Hilarity ensued as we all vied to have the fill-in phrase for a question be the one that we each had chosen. Oh, the mirth and mayhem we Hoovers enjoy during this annual golf expedition. Many groups of guys come to Myrtle and fritter away their evenings drinking in bars or in gentlemen’s clubs, but not The Hoovers. Night time for us is pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey or Cherries Garcia, Oreo cookies and a Robin Williams concert DVD, and then passing out before 11:00.
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Never let it be said that a round of golf for these guys will ever be without behavior not usually seen in the prim and proper world of civilized golf. Some of you who have read some of this author’s tales of Dewey, Cheetum and Howe, may remember an incident involving Clyde baring his backside as penance for a tee shot not going passed the ladies red tee box. Well, dear readers, it happened again as Clyde lost whatever balance remained in his inebriated anatomy, resulting in his driver topping the ball 2 inches in front of his tee and thrusting him forward. With his arms outstretched in front of him, Clyde plunged downward, his hands hitting the ground first thus softening the blow when his arms gave out and his face fell into the turf. The blow to his upper body was further softened, however, by the cushion-like texture of the Bermuda grass. The lower half of his body was not as fortunate. The dimpled sphere lying 2 inches in front of his tee was now connected through his shorts and boxers, to one of his own dimpled spheres. The force at which he fell at, upon contact with the ground, embedded the ball in his upper thigh region causing it to remain attached when he came to be suddenly sober and shot up like a rocket, shrieking like a banshee as the pain overcame the alcohol in his bloodstream. He wrestled his shorts and boxers to his ankles to determine the extent of the injuries to his, let’s say upper thigh area. “Oh dear God in heaven,” came the plaintive cry of the Course Superintendent as he took his hands off of the steering wheel of the golf cart and placed them on either side of his screaming mouth and inadvertently stepped on the accelerator. As misfortune would have it, he was going downhill and was heading for a slight curve in the cart path. He missed the turn. After a short bumpy ride through a patch of tall grass and scrub brush, he finally came to a stop as the cart began to submerge in the pond beyond the scrub brush. Fortunately for the Course Superintendent there were no water moccasins ready to slay a wayward golf cart driver. Course Superintendent Charles Spackler pulled his cell phone out of his shirt pocket and held it over his head as he waded back to dry ground and over to the tee box where Clyde was still looking at his, let’s say upper thigh area. Barely able to speak intelligibly he managed to sputter out, “Never in my life have I seen such a display of reprehensible, pre-pubescent behavior. Wait until the Governor hears about this!.” Just as Spackler was ready to dial the governor, Rocco grabbed his hand, “You might want to think about this for a moment. You know, not rush into anything you might regret. I seem to recall our friend the Governor saying something about not wanting to be disturbed while he’s watching Andy of Mayberry? And besides Vinny here already sent our friend the Governor, pictures of old Clyde’s backside and, shall we say, upper thigh region. He’s probably looking at them during a commercial break and laughing his ass off. So, relax. Here have a Schlitz and a nice Cuban cigar.” Spackler took the beer and the cigar, sat on the ground, buried his head in his hands and wept.
Marjorie lingered a few moments longer in the whirlpool bath steeling herself to listen to the ungodly number of messages waiting on her cell phone, and the imminent return of her boys. Her mind drifted back as she savored the peace and tranquility of the last six hours; a most relaxing six hours. First was a two hour nap, followed by an hour massage, courtesy of A Sacred Place Wellness Center. Then a peaceful lunch of salad, fruit and three glasses of wine. She felt the tension just evaporate out of her neck and shoulders like the steam rising from the whirlpool. The sound of her cell phone alarm clock interrupted her reverie and jarred her back into reality.
Nantz: “Whoohee! We’re finally done with this blasted assignment. Pass me that Johnny Walker and let’s get shitfaced my good sir knight.”
Faldo: “Excellent fucking idea my good sir, ah, good sir. Oh hell. Have a drink. Now I may be mistaken but I think we’re still on the air. Can we say shitfaced and excellent fucking idea on the air?”
Nantz: “No worries. There’s a five second delay.” He pauses for a moment as the producer back in the studio in New York is screaming at him in his headphones. “We’re fucked. No five second delay.”
Faldo: Picks up the ringing phone, “Um, Jim? It’s Sam Dewey.”
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“Nantz?”, snarled Sam, “Don’t talk, just listen. What in ……………………….. You have screwed up every step of the way. Did we want that pompous, most interesting man in the world, The Rick to be the interview focus? No, we didn’t? Did we want Melody Storm to defect and become a business consultant on Fox Business? No we didn’t? Did we want you and that perpetually unintelligible partner of yours to put on a broadcast that was even mildly entertaining? Yes we did. Did you? No you didn’t? As a result of these failures to produce you and your partner are being reassigned. You, Nantz, will be doing weather reporting from our office in the Aleutian Islands. Faldo is now my caddie.” Sam disconnected the call on his phone, sighed and said, “I love what I do.”
Marjorie listened to all of the messages and decided she could ignore all of them except the one from Fox Business wanting a reaction to a video of Clyde screaming and brandishing for all of the internet to see, his upper thigh region. She switched on her laptop in order to see for herself the video that already had 123,000 likes and 57,000 shares on Facebook; plus being the number one trending hashtag on Twitter. She also found the edited version on YouTube and wasn’t surprised to learn that ESPN was running it on Sports Center. Taking a deep breath to stem the returning tension, Marjorie took another look at Clyde’s fall and started to chuckle; a chuckle that grew and finally burst forth as a full blown mirthful laugh causing her to fall to the floor at the foot of the bed. As her laughter slowly subsided, she could hear the faint dialogue from the video feed then was surprised by a sudden change in the volume.
Clyde let out another anguished cry of pain as he waited for Rocco, who was fumbling with a ring of key cards, to get the door open to their suite. “Oh for the sake of all that’s holy, get that damnable door open, will you?”, Clyde beseeched. He pulled off the towel that had been wrapped around his waist; a towel that was soaked through with vodka, gin, scotch and Schlitz. In an attempt to deaden the pain during the limo ride from the golf course, Clyde was drinking everything he could get his hands on. He had also been pouring half of the contents of the various nips and Schlitz cans directly onto the upper region of his thighs as topical analgesics. Clyde howled once more when Vinny bent down to take a look and accidentally brushed against Clyde’s upper thigh area with a Schlitz can.
Marjorie realized that the howl wasn’t coming from the video feed but was coming from out in the hallway. With a mixture of dread and the anticipation of the inevitable, Marjorie got to her feet, walked to her door and with a trembling hand opened it. Rocco, still fiddling with the ring of key cards, smiled at her. Vinny turned to her and said, “Hi Marjorie. Look at how many more dimples there are on Clyde’s right nut than on the left one. Hey, what’s this Clyde? Does that say Titleist?” Sam staggered into the hallway from the direction of the backdoor. “Where you guys been? Who moved the front door to the back? ” He lurched into the wall next to Marjorie’s door and slid to the floor. Gesturing with his hands he first pointed at Marjorie and then at Clyde, “Have you seen the video? I betcha that weasel The Rick leaked this to that traitor Melody Storm thinking this would ruin us. I got news for that walking L.L. Bean commercial, this is gonna work for us. You can’t buy publicity like this.” With that pronouncement complete, Sam curled up on the floor and fell asleep. Marjorie stepped over his fetal positioned form and opened the suite door that Rocco now realized did not need a key card and hadn’t even been locked.
The Rick dunked another Oreo into the glass of milk, hit mute on the remote and while chewing on the milk soaked cookie pointed the uneaten half at the lovely Melody Storm who was breaking down in great detail the vile display of those immoral, unscrupulous business partners of Dewey, Cheetum and Howe to her fellow panel members on the Fox Business forum. “Those dozy, drunken sots ain’t gonna know what hit them.”, opined Jimmy Two Birds as he swallowed the last of his frozen Strawberry Daiquiri. Nascar Bob, peaked around the refrigerator door, “Hey, we’re almost out of beer. Who wants to make a Piggly Wiggly run with me?” Joey got up, wiped the back of his hand across the chocolate cake crumbs on his lips and grabbed the keys to the Hoovermobile, “Let’s roll.” Bob grabbed the last beer walked over to Joey with his right hand extended upward and outward, “High five, bro.” Ocho, who had been busy with the effects of chili and strong coffee, hurried out of the bathroom and called out to Bob and Joey, “Hey, get me another pint of Chunky Monkey, high five bro.”