AKA Jimmy Two Birds
I was fortunate to have visited Jimmy in Punta Gorda this past January. I had recently retired and was on a combination vacation/ research road trip to VA and SC gathering material for my novels, and a long awaited trek to visit my Hoover buddy. For those of you unfamiliar with the term Hoover, allow me to turn back the clock to sometime in the late 90’s on a tee box somewhere on Cape Cod. The four of us had just hit four terrible tee shots. Jimmy looked out over the fairway, shook his head in disbelief, and said these immortal words, “We can’t suck enough. We’re like a bunch of Hoover vacuums.” The rest, as they say, is history…Hoover history.
As to the epithet ‘Two Birds’, that was attributed by me to Jimmy after a round of golf in which he accomplished a rarity for Hoovers by scoring two birdies in one round. Two birdies in a summer are a more likely timeframe for a Hoover. So the name Jimmy Two Birds came to be. And in a tribute to my good friend, I created a character in my novels – Jacques ‘Two Birds” Ouellette – a tavern owning/ fur trading Frenchman living in what is now Pittsburgh (then in French control as Fort Duquesne) at the outbreak of The French & Indian War…though the Two Birds in the fictional world refers to the two ladies of ill repute he employs at his tavern. J
I moved to Salem MA in 1984 and first met Jimmy through his carpentry partner, and another future Hoover, Loring Mackey. Over the years we played countless rounds of golf, watched many New England Patriot playoff and Super Bowl games, and traveled together all over the U.S. & Aruba. I believe we played golf in RI, NH, ME, MI, NV, CA, TN, SC, FL, Aruba, and of course MA.
MYRTLE BEACH
One of the true highlights of the last 25 years or so, was our annual golf week in Myrtle Beach, SC. A whole week of glorious companionship…a camaraderie that became more important than the golf. It was also a goldmine of material for me to write about. In the Myrtle photos below you find the Hoovers playing Cards Against Humanity, or eating (we ate quite well that week). The shots of Jimmy are just some random pics of my buddy looking cool or cooking bacon or steak tips…the swan photo inspired a story involving Jimmy – there was a small creek in back of the timeshare condo we stayed in every year…this particular year a pair of mating swans built a nest and laid eggs. Here is the tale:
JIMMY’S SWANSONG
At the back of our condo there is a small creek that feeds a multitude of waterfowl. There are always Canada Geese, a trio of Mallards and a mating pair of swans. This year the swans have blessed us with a huge nest right opposite our back door. The other day she laid at least three eggs so the male has gone into super protective mode. This morning Jimmy was standing next to the swing in the yard and the male decided to investigate. Now in the interest of a good story we are going to have the swan attack Jimmy like in an episode of When Vacations Go Bad. The male swan, who we have dubbed Gus, is a good sized bird. His long and muscular neck on the end of which sits a powerful beak swings back and forth in a threatening manner as he rushes at Jimmy. Jimmy is none too nimble these days and he only makes it halfway to the condo door as that menacing beak crashes into his groin. Jimmy staggers back and falls to the ground, Gus astride his chest, tail feathers in Jimmy’s face slams his neck and head repeatedly into the torso and regions below. Meanwhile, the female known as Miranda, is now standing on the top of the nest, flapping her wings and mimicking Gus’s neck thrusts, encouraging her mate to protect her from this fiend and intruder. Jimmy tries to cry out but his mouth is full of swan feathers and all he can muster is a muted bleating. Rick, startled into action by Jim’s muted cries, races out the door armed only with The Harry A. which he brandishes like a club. Swinging it and screaming like a madman, Rick chases Gus off of Jim and back into the creek. Jimmy is now in the fetal position clutching his groin and moaning, “oh God, this really hurts.” Paramedics now arrive on the scene having been summoned by Joey’s call to 911. After 15 minutes of coaxing, the EMTs finally persuade Jimmy to relax and uncoil from his rigid man hold. They discover nothing more serious than swan down in Jimmy’s nose and an angry red genital, so they leave him with some balm and a stern warning to leave the wild life alone or next time he could really get hurt.
ARUBA
I made two trips to Aruba with Jimmy. On the flight down for the first trip, we had to fill out a visitor card. One of the questions was Reason for Visit. One of the possible choices was honeymoon. We chose honeymoon. But even on a tropical island paradise honeymoons can be fraught with problems. The eventual breakup was due to irreconcilable environmental differences. In the timeshare Jimmy preferred the temperature to be Arctic-like causing me, while in the condo, to have to wear just about all the clothes I brought with me. J
Tierra Del Sol is where we played, or rather, where we baked under the relentless equatorial sun. Both of us were struggling the last few holes, but especially Jimmy. However, when we reached the golf cart return station, the staff member opened up a large cooler and extracted two ice water soaked towels. When reminiscing about that week, the feeling of intense relief as that icy towel caressed our necks is a definite highlight.
In one of the photos below, Jimmy tries to rekindle the romance during my second trip, but I refused to succumb to his boyish good looks and charming personality. After all, he beat me again at golf, and the condo was festooned with icicles.
VEGAS
Jimmy and I hit Vegas 4 times, 2004, 07, 10, 12. It was desert golf during the day, and losing money at night, but mostly it was the great times we had. The montage includes more candid shots including one of the infamous (but now defunct) footlong hot dog from The Westward Ho Casino. I can’t recall the quality of the dog, but I do remember we enjoyed(?) the taste multiple times over the next few hours. The photo of Jimmy Two Birds with one of his duck followers was taken at Angel Park Golf Course.
During one of the flights to Vegas, Jimmy told me about his experiences as a young man learning to fly. That inspired another story:
Jimmy Two Birds
Over Nevada Skies
Slicing through the clear blue skies over Nevada, the Jet Blue plane hits a pocket of turbulence and jostles Ocho from his pleasant slumber. As he opens his eyes he spots JTB rising from his seat in first class. Not fully awake Ocho does not notice the alarming gleam in JTB’s eyes and is shocked into consciousness as JTB announces to the passengers and crew his intentions:
“Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jimmy Two Birds and I am going to take over and land this plane. Do not be alarmed, while I have not done so in over 40 years, I did take a few lessons in a Cessna. Landing a 727 can’t be that hard.”
Alarmed as Ocho was, he could not rise from his seat to try and stop JTB from this seemingly futile attempt by JTB to recapture his youth. JTB proceeded to walk to the cockpit, politely taking the head stewardess by the hand so she could open the door. Initially stunned by this turn of events, the rest of the patrons of this now exciting plane ride remained surprisingly calm. A couple of the more lubricated individuals were actually cheering JTB on. Soon the cry of, “Jimmy Two Birds…fly the plane….Jimmy Two Birds….fly the plane.” Resounded up and down the aisles.
The pilot and co-pilot were certainly surprised when this portly gentleman dressed like The Great Pumpkin in his bright orange Obama in 2012 tee shirt, came barging into the cockpit and asked them to vacate the area. Before they could respond in any manner, JTB, after years of perfecting his technique while attending countless Star Trek conventions, grabbed them both in a Vulcan neck pinch rendering them unconscious. After dragging the crew members out of the way, JTB assumed the true pilot position by taking the left hand seat and donning the communication headset.
“Vegas control tower, Vegas control tower”, spoke JTB, “Please be advised that Jimmy Two Birds is now in command and is flying this plane. Everything is under control. Now, what runway you want I should use to grease this landing?” While awaiting a reply from the astounded flight control personnel, JTB made a slight course correction and announced to the crowd, “I’ve been thinking. Any pilot can land a plane with the landing gear down….hmmm. Okay, I want a voice vote….do we use the landing gear?” Ocho, not believing any of this was happening was further astounded when the passengers cried out in one voice, “NO LANDING GEAR!!!”
“Vegas control, please be advised that we will be executing a belly flop landing so you might wanna alert the media and maybe have a fire truck or two on hand, just for show of course.”
“Jimmy Two Birds, this is Vegas control. Are you out of your freaking mind? We cannot allow you to approach this airport under those conditions. Accordingly we have asked the Air Force to scramble a couple of F-15s to escort you to a secret military base just outside of Kingman, AZ.”
“No can do Vegas control. I am a man on a mission…gotta land this plane at McCarron on her belly. So you tell the Air Force to back off or desperate measures will be taken.”
Meanwhile in the passenger area, a big party was breaking out. The flight attendants opened the bar so to speak, so aucasians (White Russians), Bloody Mary’s and Jack Daniels on the rocks were much in attendance. Ocho, trying to be a part of the festivities while fretting for his friend, volunteered his DVD of The Big Lebowski which was soon playing as the in-flight movie. Another passenger, ignoring the no smoking policy, lit up a doobie that was somehow missed by the TSA at check-in. There was also an unusual amount of traffic to and from the restrooms as becoming a member of The Mile High Club was pursued in earnest by a few of the more adventurous souls on the plane.
In the cockpit, JTB was having the time of his life flying a jumbo like he was born to it. Making long loping turns, he brought the plane back on the correct heading for McCarron. As he was about to call the tower, two F-15’s materialized out of nowhere and were stationed off either wing. The command pilot radioed JTB, “Prepare to follow us or we will be forced to take you out.”
“Sorry old chaps”, JTB replied, “I’m Jimmy Two Birds and I’m belly flopping this baby at McCarron. It is my destiny. If you try to stop me I will be forced to take desperate measures.”
“I don’t know how you think you can out do an F-15”, answered the commander as he fired his 50 caliber machine gun across the nose of the 727.
“Okay campers”, announced JTB to passengers and crew, “I need another voice vote. Do I follow these nice Air Force people or do I evade them with my superior flying skills?”
“EVADE, JIMMY TWO BIRDS, EVADE!!!” cried the frenzied crowd, “ You are our captain. We go where you lead.”
“All righty then. Buckle up tight. Evasive tactics and desperate measures coming up.”
Jimmy Two Birds then proceeded to execute multiple barrel rolls, loop de loops and steep climbs as he maneuvered the jumbo jet through a hail of gunfire from the F-15s. Sensing that the Air Force was getting a little ticked off and embarrassed by this amateur at the controls of a commercial jet, Jimmy Two Birds took the last step in his desperate measures before he could be lit up by a Sidewinder.
“How many of you, my fellow travelers, have ever wondered what it would be like to swim in the Bellagio Fountain?” asked JTB. “Well that’s where we’re headed. I got a Sidewinder on my tail and I don’t have time to get us to McCarron for our belly flop, so we’re gonna belly flop in the fountain. Oh look, it is time for the fountain display. That makes it an even nicer target.”
“BELLAGIO, BELLAGIO!!!, screamed the passengers and crew, “TAKE US TO THE FOUNTAIN.”
So Jimmy Two Birds maneuvered to avoid being hit by the Sidewinder and headed for a thrilling splash down as the Bellagio Fountain put on its breathtaking show. The 747 dove for the fountain as the Sidewinder passed overhead and continued on down Las Vegas Blvd. The Stratosphere Casino and Hotel used to be the tallest building on the strip but the errant missile took out the observation deck scattering debris everywhere. Meanwhile, the 747 landed in the fountain.
Ocho was awakened by a burst of turbulence somewhere over Nevada. As he opened his eyes, Jimmy Two Birds looked over and said, “You must have had some dream there Ocho. You were moaning and at one point I heard you say, ‘JTB you arrogant ass, you killed us.’ What was that all about?”
“I’m not sure.” Replied Ocho. “I think you did something really stupid. Hey where you going?”
“Up to the cockpit.” Answered Jimmy Two Birds, “I wanna see if they’ll let me land this thing.”
GATLINBURG TN
A lovely venture into the Smoky Mountains for golf and barbecue. As you can see Jimmy won another head to head tournament, but the Bennett Barbecue was excellent. The following tale is based on true events:
JIMMY AND THE HORNET
Once upon a time there was a Hoover named Jimmy Two Birds and he liked to take trips with his friend and fellow Hoover, Ocho. Well, one time they were on their way to Gatlinburg TN. To play some golf and have some fun. They stopped for the night at a fine Quality Inn in Salem, VA. After chowing down a fine meal from Burger King, Jimmy Two Birds felt the need for a visit to the porcelain throne. Now for a guy time on the throne is important because it gives one the time to reflect, to think deep thoughts, to free one’s mind from the insanity of life and become one with one’s surroundings. To help reach this state of blissful harmony, Jimmy likes to read Car and Driver and thus we find Jimmy Two Birds evacuating his mind and his intestines while perusing an article on the new BMW 700 series. Out of the corner of his eye he sees the hornet as it sort of hovers up and to the left of Jimmy, just under the shower head. The hornet sizes up the situation and proceeds on a recon mission to test Jimmy’s defenses. As he buzzes by, Jimmy takes a swat with the now rolled up Car and Driver. The hornet easily dodges the feeble attempt and takes position to launch a new attack, this time a straight in strafing run. Jimmy realizes the indefensible nature of his position and decides to launch a pre-emptive strike. In one motion, as fluid as he could manage with his boxers around his ankles, Jimmy rose up and took a swing at the incoming missile. Barely missing his target, the momentum of his swing lurches Jimmy sideways and he becomes entangled in his boxers. He falls backward against the bathroom door, just missing the doorknob with his large white posterior. The hornet knows that now is the time for the kill and zooms in. Somehow Jimmy manages to take another swing and strikes the hornet sending him flying back and into the wall above the throne. He falls onto the throne tank top and lies there dazed. Meanwhile, Jimmy has lost his balance and his grip on the magazine. As Jimmy stumbles into the shower stall, the magazine is doing an end over end flyby and plunges into the open throne and lands amongst the flotsam. Fortunately, Jimmy was unhurt and was able to dispose of the pesky insect of mass destruction by sweeping it into the throne whereupon Jimmy reseats himself and adds to the detritus adding insult to injury.
BOYNE FALLS MI
The northwest section of the Michigan mitten (Lower Peninsula) has some of the best golf courses in the country…no bias intended as MI is my home…oh heck, lots of bias intended, I am in love with this place. So much so that I pleaded with my fellow Hoovers to make the journey. Jimmy answered my plea and joined me for a week in God’s country. As is the expected norm, I wrote about that week of bliss…an excerpt:
The following is a true story:
I am driving..we are on the NY Thruway…I know that there occasionally are some whack jobs on the road but I am still surprised when a pickup truck roars by on the left but then slows down so that we are window to window…I refuse to look left but out of the corner of my right eye I see Jimmy staring past me and his face is in a state of blissful bewilderment..I turn to the window and am greeted with two very well proportioned breasts…the girl squeals in delight, tucks her attributes back under her tank top and the driver of the truck speeds it off into the coming dusk. Well that was an eye opener…I think Jimmy drooled on his laptop.
I
PUNTA GORDA FL
I traveled a lot with Jimmy Two Birds, we were hoping to continue that golf wanderlust – another trip to Vegas was discussed. I didn’t know that my visit to Punta Gorda would be the last of the traveling. I didn’t know that my last round of golf with Jimmy would take place in FL on a day that was so cold that iguanas froze and fell out of trees. A few weeks ago Jimmy called me, and left a voicemail. When I saw he had left a message, I immediately knew it was bad news. He rarely called me…our communication was usually text messages or Facebook Messenger. My first reaction to the news of the pancreatic cancer was a very loud “Fuck”.
My friend has passed away. He is, and will continue to be, sorely missed. I do not know what happens after death, but I do know this – Jimmy Two Birds might be gone physically, but he still abides in my heart and in the memories we created.
Wit,Wisdom and a Wandering Mind 